ahh

today was a pretty good day :) i woke up and cleaned. then i showered and got beautified. then one of my friends from school came here and she's gonna stay with us for the weekend. her name is meagan wallace and she's AWEEESOME! hahahaha love her! anyways so yeah we went to short pump mall cause she had never been. after that we met up with the lovely kathryn strizzy and had a delightful meal of el chaps :) yumm. i had a speedy which was oh soo filling. then we went and looked at christmas lights with mis padres and then met up with the gang and watched jackass 2 and ate cupcakes. a wonderful night if you ask me :)))))))) anyways im gonna hang with my girl! love ya!!

someday i wont be. hopefully someday will come soon.

can i just say..

i dont know if anyone will read this, but i wanna make a couple of comments about MTV HITS' Best of 2010: Pop list

california girls by katy perry ft. snoop dogg
i love this song but i have a couple of points about this video. first, i've never been to california but i'm just guessing that it doesn't look ANYTHING like candy land. in fact i'm like 100% sure it looks nothing like that. i would also like to know when it became socially acceptable to wear donuts and pies as clothing. i heard that was ok if you were like in your bed room... with your husband.. but you do not wear blueberry pie to kill gummy bears with your whip cream can shooting breasts. that's just tacky. you should totally wear pumpkin pie duhh. the last thing i wanna ask is who is the world gets stuck in jello? omgsh that stuff takes FOREVER to gel, you had sooo much time to escape you ditz!!!


video phone by beyonce ft. lady gaga

another fun song. love beyonce and lady gaga ... i think. mmkay i only have two things to say about this video first off, can i just say that lady gaga looks so stiff dancing next to beyonce. i fell on the floor laughing at her popping it cause ... well she looked like she was having some sort of back spasm haha :) and why in the world are there moans at the end of this song? really beyonce? was that necessary? i mean i'm pretty sure you wanna be naked like Ke$ha but i mean is the moaning really necessary?

break your heart by taio cruz ft. ludacris

this song was good..before it was played over and over and over and .... you get what i'm saying. anyways the only thing i have to say about this video is why in the world would you start a relationship by telling your partner that you're going to hurt them and you're going to break their heart? i mean i understand no strings attached relationships but i dont know what in the world this would be.. is it still a relationship if both people are consintual on being hurt? what the heck people???


love the way you lie by eminem ft. rihanna

i just dont understand, someone please explain to me. how could you love the way that someone lies??? this whole video is so bipolar.. maybe if you diddn't love the way he lied you wouldn't be so angry and then so horny.. or maybe you really are bipolar. i dont know. hmm. oh and will someone please tell eminem that when he catches on fire like that he needs to stop drop and roll? i think he missed that memo in elementary school. just sayin.

this might be my favorite parody ever


telephone by lady gaga ft. beyonce

lady gaga might be the strangest woman i've ever seen. i would really like it if she wore more clothing. that would be wonderful. and you know what those gaurds in the beginning of the video might be the most fake tanned and bleached blonde middle aged, saggy, over exposed woman that i've ever seen. modest is hottest ladies. modest is hottest. gaga smoking is bad for you, i'm not gonna preach, but get those cigerettes away from your eyes you crazy, you're gonna get lung cancer through your retinas eww. and what in the world are those prison chicks fighting about? they never say and that bothers me. how can i place a bet on who'll win if i dont even know what's going on?? ps. i think lady gaga made out with a dike.. pretty sure that was a woman. why is she in jail by the way? yeah another thing i can't place a bet on. uhhh. one more thing, why did you have to kill everyone in the diner? what if my dog had been in there!!!! all these questions kind of remind you of watching a movie with lorraine moskalski doesn't it? :) love you girl hahaha oh some help!! beyonce is having a seizure! call an ambulance!! help her!!! all that aside, this might be my most favorite music video of all time. it's totally interesting. especially the makeup :)

alright so i only started counting after i saw this commercal like 5 times while i was watching all these videos, but when i started counting i got to 7 times. they played this commercial seven times plus however many times they played it before i started counting. i'm sure you'll love it.. and go buy one. haha just kidding.


alright i'm tired so yeah. so i'm going to bed now. hope i made you smile at least a little bit :) love you!

just a little beauty

so i just saw this commercial and didn't want to forget it so i'm gonna post it :)

in all honesty i think it's really pretty as weird as that may sound.. and usually i think that parfume commercials are really gay haha

i wish i could always feel like i was up.

is it liberty or me?

sooooo can i be totttallly honest here? is it weird to think of your new guy friends and decide if they could be marriage material? i swear i never thought about anything with marriage really before i came to liberty... and now look at me. hahahaha gosh what the heck liberty? you're killing me.

keep reminding yourself that one day you wont feel this way anymore.
you are needed.
you are needed.
this life isn't bad.
i swear.
i swear.
you aren't alone.
no matter what.
no matter what.
let them live.
support.
support.
it's not your time love.
it's just not.


and can i just say that to every stupid lovey dovey couple that displays all their stupid affection to the world here at liberty. i'm going to mow you down one day, i'm simply just going to walk between you two "love birds" and tell you to leave room for Jesus.

Drag my hand behind you like a chain behind a truck.
Sparks over your carpet while I chase you through the darkness.
Somebody's supposed to fall in love, but nobody even calls.
Somebody's supposed to...

Tear this place apart until you find me hiding, silently I wait.
You'll be excited just to see me someday. Everything's ok.

Summer and gold throw their colors at the dark,
a mother tells her son, "Darling look at the sparks."
But you hold my attention without even trying.
A beautiful reflection from firework eyes,
but never means forever.
Desperation and hanging in the backyard at night.
Somebody's supposed to fall in love.

Tear this place apart until you find me hiding, silently I wait.
You'll be excited just to see me someday. Everything's ok.

Love, don't forget to bleed so slowly.
Haunted hearts we melt over the fabric of your floor.
I'm holdin' her just like she's gold, but
I've been running from the sun. Oh no, no.
And if I ever catch the ones who hurt you,
I'm hoping that God looks away this time.
Why would I let you go?

Tear this place apart until you find me hiding, silently I wait.
You'll be excited just to see me someday. Everything's ok.

close to letting go of what ive held so near.. but im still not sure.

no way

feelings of mixed frustration, longing, and desire. frustration on the subject of not knowing what in the world i'm doing. longing for someone to hold me and just say everything'll be ok. and desire to feel like confident again.

i know God can be all these things, but i just feel like.. alone. i know i'm not. i think that's another bit of the frustration.

the only one?

so i'm sure everyone knows about me and alex's break up. it's disappointing about how everything went down, but in all honesty i've known for a while i shouldn't have been in that relationship, God really put it on my heart, and i finally gave it up to God and said look if I'm not supposed to be in this relationship have him break up with me because i know i can't do it myself. and then two days later he did. i know it's the right thing. i mean the way everything went down, like i said kinda really sucked, but all in all i'm fine and he's fine and we're all fine. so anyways, it's kinda nice being single, but i really miss having like a hand to hold and being held. that kinda sucks, but i'll get by. there is one guy that i'm friends with here that's really caught my eye. i don't think i would date him, at least not soon. i barely remember what the beginnings of a relationship looks like, but he's one of those people i just can't stop thinking about ya know? i kinda don't like it cause i'm like elizabeth omgsh like for real alex JUST broke up with you like two weeks ago, you need to chill, but it's like i can't. i hope you guys don't think poorly of me cause it's not like i can help it ya know? his name is mike. he's really sweet and funny. omgsh he's like 6 foot 3 and has the hands of a giant (i like big hands, i just like how my hands can look so small in comparison since really not too much else about me is small except for my mouth size, ear lobes, and right nostril). see i go off on a little mini tangent. ughh. i don't like it. stupid boy needs to stop being himself. imma kick him. anyways anyways anyways, i'm going out with him and some other people this friday and we're gonna have a movie night at the inn which'll be fun and then saturday i don't know what i'm doing saturday, hopefully something fun. so yeah. anyways, that is all.

i love you!!

mmmm :)

ahh sleep :)

it's been soo long since i've posted. i haven't been able to blog since i've gotten here though. it's been hard. originially it was because it reminded me so much of home and i would just start bawwwwwling. hahaha but once classes started it because also because of like homework and stuff. actually i really need to go back and study, but i just wanted to let you know that i love and miss all of you!!

missy brown, ellory green, kay harris, kim greenshields, stephanie dawkins, meagan fletcher, cara marie PARKER :), elsbeth mccermc, EVERYONE!! i'll post more later



YUM :)

postphoning the yucky

i'm sitting here, reading other blogs. i'm usually pretty bad about reading other people's blogs in that i usually don't do it haha. but anyways, i'm doing it simply to put off the fact that i have to clean the den. it's wrecked from last night's little shin dig and i don't feel like clean. yuck. steph picked up a lot last night so that was helpful, but yeah. yuckky. anyways once i finish that i think i'm gonna paint the project i've been working on for my mom and hopefully get a lot of that done today. alex comes home saturday so my mom wants me to have like as much of my stuff packed by then as possible. i was supposed to spend today doing that... i didn't. not even gonna lie. alright. time to clean. love yaaass!!

my last night of seek and WOMAN'S NIGHT!!

ahhh tonight was kinda sad. okay can i just say that i was totally fine going into youth group tonight. i got teary eyed when missy came up to me while we were all standing up there, but i didn't cry. when stephanie horovath came up to me i teared up but didn't cry. it was only when cheta emba came up to me and told me that i had been her role model for forever that i started crying like i wanted my mama. it was the nicest thing to be told that. i mean like i didn't honestly even think that she liked me. our moms work together, but like on the second new orleans we were friends, that was the trip that i met alex, and at that time she liked him and whatever and then like we ... flung or whatever, and like she stopped talking to me period, but i didn't know or whatever and like i don't know. i just wish now that i would have reached out to her more over the years since then. i honestly had no idea that i could be influential to anyone like that. cause honestly i just don't feel like i'm influential like that ya know? i actually struggled for a while because i didn't think i would be remembered/ know for anything, and i guess it reassured me that i am known... or whatever. i'm weird. oh well. but yeah i don't know. that really just struck me and i'm so glad that she told me that. :) omgsh i had no idea how tall she was until tonight!! wowwww! :)) anywayyys



so tonight was also woman's night. we did lottsa fun stuff.
first, facials. raspberries, plain yogurt, and cucumbers. all mixed together and placed on our beautiful faces :) it smelled soo good, but apparently it didn't taste too good, i didn't try to find out though.
second, junk food. diet and regular coke. cookie dough. poof corn. doritos. raspberries. cucumber water. cucumber. snickers. mounds. reeses pieces. need i say more.
third, saran wrap and pads. just check facebook. you'll know who and what. the group of people in my car got 3 cars total and put 2 pads on another car.. so that was us. :) anyways

it's now 345am and we're talking about going to waffle house for breakfast.. what else is new? haha i love you!!

you know what i realized tonight, i'm glad on the one aspect that i'm leaving, because i won't 1) be expected to plan things all that often anymore until i come home on break with everyone and 2) i won't have to get crapped on whenever people are unhappy or stressed about what we're doing that i could or could not have planned. that'll be nice. :)

the colony of texas where twitter texts too much

has anyone heard of or watched this new show called the colony? it's not new. this is season two actually, but i never watched the first season... i hadn't heard of it. anyways, i'm enjoying it. and i'll keep ya updated on just how it keeps going :))

holy crap my feraking phone keeps going off. and it keeps being twitter.. ugh. obnoxious. anyways hahahaha


soooo tomorrow i'll go to alex's for lunch, and then i'm gonna go to youth group. omgsh i only have two more left. wow. college is coming so quickly!! it's crazy. i'm ready to move on from that though. i want to be challenged more. i feel God calling me to something that's going to really make me think and study more which i totally need right now.

last week i went to texas to visit colin. it was soo much fun! i had a great time. i will admit that sometimes i got a little annoyed because he would be talking about how awesome his new best friends were a lot (even though i was the one packing his boxes to move him from one apartment to another) and then too i didn't like that i didn't know anyone down there so when we went out with the people that the family knew they would talk about other people and things that i couldn't talk about which kinda sucked too. colin took me to chi alpha which is like his life down there. it was NOT for me in the least. neither was the church we attended that sunday (which is his every week church). i don't know if you guys know this, but i've now heard tongues spoken a total of 4 times in my whole life. the first, second, third, and fourth times i cried. as soon as i hear it i freak out and like start shaking and crying. it's awful. i've prayed and prayed for it because i know it's from the Lord and good and stuff, but it just scares the daylights out of me. it makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. this past timme thought it wasn't quite as much crying so maybe i'm getting better about it. i hope so because i'm quite frankly embarassed by it. i've always said to each his own and that i wouldn't pass judgment on anyone, but how can people know i'm not judging them if i'm running out of placces crying and shaking and stuff. things will get better eventually. it probably doesn't help that i have never learned anything about tounges. i'm not very good, and never have been for that matter, at reading a whole book of the Bible through. i'm pretty good at jumping around which isn't the greatest thing in the world, but it's what i've done. anyways, i only found out on this trip that tongues is spoken about very much in acts, so i'm going to try and read up on some of that once i finish reading joshua. i really want to read that book and be able to say i read a wholle book on my own. the thing with finishing a book for me though is that i just get tired/bored of it and want something new which is totally lame i know. so please pray for me that i will develope the wisdom to know more about the Holy Spirit as well as for my fear of tongues.

today i went college shopping with my mom. can you believe i leave in 2 weeks?? woww!! i got towels, bed stands, bandaids, shampoo, hair de frizzer, a computer chair, laundry hampers, and a bunch of other crap. on the subject of college i'm gonna put this on here, but i think that pms totally had something to do with it. so i got home from texas yesterday and i wanted to see alex, but he had a party to go to, so i was like okay what are you doing tomorrow, and homeboy says he has to work all day. so at that point i was a little bummed because i missed him and would liked to have seen him, well then i started to think about the amount of time i had left. two weeks. one of those weeks he'll be at the beach with him family and then one of those days i have to spend with my friend llyod who is moving out to san antonio tx to get a job and live with family. so in all honesty we have like 6 days together before i officially move and like some of that time i'm obviously gonna have to spend packing. i know i'll only be an hour and a half away from him, but that's still an hour farther from him that i won't have a car or way to get to him if he needed me or vice versa. i know that i need to sit back and trust in God and know that when i'm not with alex that the Lord is going to come in and fill that void i'm feeling, but it's still scary. he's become that one that i always want to run to and tell everything and make sure is taken care of. i can't imagine what i would be like without him. ugh i probably sound like some middle school girl, but whatever i don't care. i mean i know i'll miss my friends and my family. there's no doubt in my mind that i won't, but i don't know. i think those things will really hit me more once i get TO school. when i ddon't have them around. i know we'll all keep up though through skype and facebook or whatever, but it's still crazy. we're all stepping out on a limb. shoot 75% of us are stepping out on the same limb. jmu is real popular around this senior girl's friends. not just from church, but from school too. ah well. so is life. things will work out i know. God will provide and protect me.

well i hope i haven't bored you to tears. i'm just sappy right now so i figured i'd blog a little since i don't do it that much anyways.

I LOVE YOU!!

ahh happiness

today was bliss. me and kim just drove around down town and ate and did our business. we talked about people. got talked about by other sketch balls down at belle isle. ate giant slices of pizza. got squirted in the eye with acidic pizza juices. poorly tipped our whore of a waitress. sang our guts out with the windows down. walked down cary street just to walk right back after 10 minutes. tried to go to hollywood cemetary to take pictures (is that wrong?) and all in all it was fun. i'm not gonna lie i wasnt feeling great the whole time though. my allergies have been killing me the past few days. like i have this smokers cough right now and it makes me want to punch a baby (not literally). now we're back at my house and kim's downloading my music library to her computer while i sit here and type this blog :)

tomorrow i have warped tour which'll be real fun and i'm super stoked for. the only thing is that like not everyone that's going is gonna want to see all the bands that i want to see soo... imma have to go to some stuff alone. eff. oh well :) i'm still super stoked!! :) bahhh i have to wake up at 545am though and i'm not exactly thrilled about that hahahaha but whatever.

friday i think me kim alex and eric are gonna go down to virginia beach for the day and then the next day i'm pretty sure my family is going back down so i'll drive back home friday night only to wake up the next morning and drive back. we'll stay the night saaturday night and then come home sunday evening. there is this hotel at virginia beach and i want to go to it! oh my gewdness. it's called the turtle cay and it's BEAUTIFUL!!


umm yeah. alrightyy well ily and i'll talk to you again soon babbbbbbbess!!

updatation

so as of right now i'm laying on my bed with my little dog. i do love her. she makes me happy :) anyways. i haven't written in a while so i figured why not now?

tomorrow everyone leaves for Brazil. gosh i wish i were going. i always wanted to, but since i couldn't seem to get a job this year it simply wasn't meant to be. that's alright i guess. i'll find other things to do this week. on the 21st i have warped tour so that'll be fun! :) i'm really excited about that. i wanna see:
- alesana
- alkaline trio
- attack! attack!
- breathe carolina
- bring me the horizon
- mayday parade
- mike posner
- nevershoutnever
- the all american rejects
- the rocket summer
- we the kings
- you me at six

it's gonna be REAL funn!!

okay and then tonight my parents told me that i might be going to visit colin in texas before i go to school!! ahhhh!! they said that if i'm able to go i would be leaving on july 28th with emily on a flight straight there!! ahhhhh! that would be soo much funn! i would stay with some of colin's friends in his apartment complex and his parents would stay in a small apartment while we were all there. he told me he would take me around and to chi alpha which is like this big college youth group thing that he has in his town and that all the sam houston university kids go to. he loves it and wants me to try it and i'm always up for whatever so i'm totally down :) i would come back august 3rd. so i would still have enough time to like come back home and get ready for school and stuff.

in other news. i LOVE spice girls! :) they make my face happy hahaha

anyways, i'll have tons of time to blog this week so i'll get back to you on everything else that's going on :)

ps. if you were wondering this was my playlist that went on while i was typing this (my laptop was on shuffle through my entire library and this is what i ended up with hahaha)

1. alesana - beautiful in blue
2. all time low - painting flowers
3. eminem ft. rihanna - love the way you lie
4. spice girls - 2 become 1

great set. love yall :)

Thanks

Wow. Can I just be the first to say that I am so amazed that I will be going to college in 5 weeks. Ahhhh! Kinda scary but exciting too. I mention this because I went to orientation today. I'm going to be very happy at Liberty. At the same time I'm not looking forward to the day I have to leave my mother who's definately going to bawling, my father who won't shed a tear until he gets back in the car, a brother who wants to knock the wall down between our rooms as soon as he gets home, friends who I've come to love so much and gotten used to seeing on a daily basis, and a boyfriend who even though watching us play fight you wouldn't be able to tell but I love and can't picture myself being without. I'm scared to leave him. He's become the one I go to for everything. As for my friends. Wow. Stephanie, Kim, Kathryn, Carleigh, Eric, Lorraine, Missy, and some many others. From my best friends to those I care about greatly and will miss dearly even though we didn't hang out regularly. Cheers. Cheers to you people out there who care and love not only me, but one another. I commend you and hope that your reflections on what you've done with your life and who you've done it with looks as beautiful and vivid as my memories of you guys are. Finally, thank you to my mentor, sister, provider, and friend. Cara I love and appreciate your presence in my life so greatly. Without you I would probably never have come to WEAG and I might not even be a Chistian today. I love you. I love all of you and I hope your transisions and memories have been as great as mine have been.

tuesday

i'm having drainage in my throat which is throwing off my whole groove. bah. so i spent the day today doing the following things (don't you just love illustrations:)







it's okay i know you're jealous :) hahaha anyways.

friday i have orientation at Liberty :)) woot woot!!


david's party is also friday so hopefully i'll be back in time for that too because that's been a ball the other two times i've been :)

anyways, love you all!!

ahhh

so my past view days have been AMAZING :) (until just now ughh)

thursday i won the hold hope scholarship which was great :) i was soo stoked and had non idea that i would get that :) so that was good, i also won the marketing student of the year award which was another plus for me :)

ummm friday was a great day too and whatever, ummmm i finished my clay project which was nice. i think that was the night that everyone came over and hung out at my house. i think.

ummmmm. saturday night i hung with a bunch of people but what sticks out most in my mind was when me steph kim julie and eric went to mcdonalds at like 11 and were talking about stunky unicorns and multiple other loud and oboxious things :)

today steph and i had a lovely afternoon of painting, spice girls, and silliness. i love that girl!! :)

then steph left and my mother jumped down my throat about cleaning and stuff which just makes me feel lovely. i don't help enough. i'm selfish. i don't do enough to help out. great. thanks for boosting the old self esteem mom. so now i'm grounded from going out to el chaps tonight. cool. stuck in the house all day and night. awesome. on the upside i'm close to being done with my second project. i hate it though. i honestly think it looks like crap but whatever.

i'll update more when i get home, hell i'll have enough time to.

bitter sweet conclusions

omgsh we're soo close to the end of the school year! i have two more days of school left and then i'm done with high school!! it's sooo weird! i feel like i just started high school yesterday! it's so weird. i won't be here next year. ugghhh soo weird. hahahahaha

anyways, today was perty good, except i realized that my piece for the art auction is due on sunday! wow that was quick! i'm gonna have a lot to do this week. wowzo. so far i just have kim's makeup pictures redone, now i have to grid them, grid the paper, draw the pictures, and then paint. ughh hopefully it will look alright. i've become very critical of like everything i make.





on top of this little project i would just like to say that my art teacher thinks it's possible for me to create a whole relief tile in two days. yeah i'm just tellin you that's not gonna happen. i have the blue print ready for it, but i just got the clay at the end of today's class so like idk what she's thinkin, but this is supposed to be a quiz grade so like i don't know what's gonna happen with that.

ummm ps can i just say that i have done something to my right hand/wrist. i have no clue what, but it's slightly discolored, swollen, and hurts like hell. ughh.

i've been reading every young woman's battle and doing the work book. i'm legit loving it. i'm not gonna lie, i hadn't really been doing my whole like Christian thing for a while (for a good portion of my senior year to be honest) but like i got back into it and i just feel really great. i'm excited and i really really like this book.

ughh so i'm a little nervous about leaving next year. i mean it'll be comforting knowing that i'm not gonna be the only one that's leaving, like steph, kim, kat, jules, errybody is leaving. i'm gonna miss my parents so much dude! like i know i get annoyed and mad at them, but omgsh i know i'm gonna have a hard time with that. and can i just say that going into a relationship with alex i told myself i wasn't going to get too close because i didn't want to have to have the saddness of being away from him too, but that's unavoidable now. i don't know what i'm gonna do without seeing him like every other day. it's gonna be so weird. ughh. making yourself vulnerable is such a scary thing. i mean i really like alex. honestly i do, and like previous relationships haven't gone as well as ours, which is why i thought it would be easier to like not grow so attached. this probably makes no sense at all so i'm gonna stop. bahhhh. it'll be our 8 month of dating in 37 minutes. craziness.

i have the awards ceremony tomorrow night. i know i'm definately getting the marketing student of the year award (i don't really care about that hahahahhahaa i mean i do but it's not a scholarship) and i'm not getting my hopes up, but i'm really hoping that all that hard work at the beginning of the year is going to pay off and get me a scholarship, i applied to 59 for goodness sakes, so i really sure hope so. hahahahahaha. i'll keep you updated on that dude.

finally, i'm stoked for the weekend. friday i have kristina's party that me and kat are gonna stop by and then we're going to david's birthday party! saturday morning my family and i are doing the whole like selling thing at some little market thing downtown that apparently all the little mexis love and buy erreeything. then saturday night i have mr. dsf and i'm stoked for that. i also have a graduation party, but i can't remember whose. hahahahahaha. sunday i have carleigh and gillie/hope/lacen's grad party. those are back to back so that'll be fun too :) and then monday i get to sleep in!! woot woooot!!


i love you braaahhh!! :))

Yet again

Forgotten during the show and again for senior night. Slighted. Story of my life. I'm so ready to be done with this.

the days..

the days are like running together. oh i'm so done with school. 14 more days and i'm out of there. thank goodness. you know what? i'm starting to feel more in place at school then i am at church. i can honestly say that i don't know how much i'm gonna miss certain aspects of our youth group. the clichiness, the favoritism, the change. i mean some people might see me as "out of line" but i mean i don't know. i just kinda feel like i've been pushed to the side. the whole year i've offered to do whatever i could to help and everytime i've just been kinda pushed to the back burner. i mean gcn. youth show. wednesday nights. i mean how is it that when i ask to like talk about the holding hope initiative at youth group i'm turned down and told that an email will be sent out but when someone else asks they are like practically begged to do it? i don't understand. i'm just ready to be done with it. i'm not gonna lie. i've come to the realization that i'm just not "seek" material, and if i am and this is what a seek person should feel like then i want no part of it. gosh i always feel like i'm such a deby downer on this thing, but i'm just saying. it's not really anyone's fault i don't guess. i'm easy to forget about. i'm just so ready to move on. i don't know how much more i'm gonna put myself through. i'm just tired of the crappy feelings that i go through. i mean i've only been in our youth group since what? seventh grade or so? growing up and seeing/perceiving how one class was treated and like how we feared and revered that class and then coming to now and having none of those same qualities. i don't know. it's not so much that i guess, it's mostly that i just feel .... forgotten. yeah yeah whatever, it was the topic of the show. i tried to like apply that message to my life, but like i just feel like my forgotten feelings are being reinforced by some of the choices that go on. it's whatever. i just need to get over it. i'll shut up about that now. kinda crappy way to start a post i suppose.

anyways.

so i'm getting back into the old habit of picking up red jumpsuit, all time low, the maine, and all those other bands i used to listen to. haha.

dude, can i just say. something is defintely wrong. okay so i can't get to sleep at night, i'm not sleeping the whole night through, i'm not getting like restful sleep, i've been having awful headaches, constant fatigue, constant nausea, and my back is killing me lately. ughh fml. i need these friggin blood tests to come back so i can know where my th levels are cause like if they're messed up then the whole hypothyroidism thing is kickin arse or if it's the siliac sprue. i just need to know. i want to feel better dog gone it. hahaha

omgsh lifeguarding inservice this weekend. shoot me. i'm soooooooooo out of shape and i do not wanna have to go and do that. ughhhh imma need a miracle for this sunday.

bah.



imma leave ya with some beautiful sounds. just listen, there's words after the guitar silly people.

goodness :)

i've been in such a good mood lately :) i don't remember the last time i felt so happy and like good to be honest. I was in such a bummer place but now it's like ... sunshine :) hahahahaha

speaking of making me happy, this is DEFINATELY my favorite commerical EVER!!








SOOOO great :)))

anyways, i'm stoked for tommrow, i'm abducting stephanie! woot woot! she has nnnoooo clue what's going on which makes me sooo happy :)) ughhhh she's thinkin it has everything to do with other people and wow i'm just soo excited! for once i'm gonna be able to do something right i feel like and it makes me so happy because she deserves something special ya know? man that girl. favss.

anyways, saturday i'm supposed to go the beaach with my family for like a one night two day trip. i feel like it's going to be a fail since they didn't book a hotel or anything and since it's supposed to rain all weekend down there. darn it.

i was thinking earlier about molly. i had another nightmare about the whole ordeal last night. it's basically always what really happened ya know? me taking pictures from the tree in my side yard and then decide to go over to the dog pen and get some pictures. LC comes out instantly panting and jumping around, but molly takes a bit longer than usual. i mean she was eighteen, older than me i think. and she had this fatty tumor, i mean this thing was big, bigger than my head. and it was on her right hip. and it's always me going back over there and her slowly coming out of the dog house with me calling her. i don't see it at first because i'm looking at her left side, but then i enter the pen and she about falls down on her right side, leaving the left side of her body exposed. that's when i notice that her tumor has ruptured and she's split open. i'll never forget that moment. i can't. it's burnt in my brain. it's hard when i think about it in my subconscious though. like you want to sleep to get away from those things, but some things you just can't. i know she's better off now, but .. i don't know. i'm being selfish and i'm sorry. this isn't something that i can just stop ya know? i surely wish i could. that would be wonderful. i know the day will come when i won't think about it and hopefully the nightmares will stop. that time just needs to come sooner. i look at LC now. small, innocent. she misses mollt. that was her buddy. the one she grew up with. they played together all the time even though molly was that old. like seriously molly was still playing fetch and everything. and i look at LC and i can't help but think of molly and what they would have been doing around whatever time of day it is and wondering what they would have been doing together if she were still around. i miss her. life goes on. but i'll never forget that dog. that sounds so lame, but like as cliche as it is she was my family. i loved her very much.

didn't mean to go on a sadd little tangent there, like i said i just looked at LC and thought about that stuff. anyways. imma go to bed. i love you guys!! :))

Frustration to suffering

frustration runs through my blood. from my toes up my spine and exploding out of my mouth like vomit. no one sees. no one cares. no one hears. does it even matter? i dont even know. yeah God might know who i am but no one im with daily knows. i mean what am I worth? what can i offer? nothing. what do i do? nothing. it's all i'll ever do.

ugh. i'm not suicidal or anything i'm just bummed and no one gets it or my thoughts annoy them and i'm sick of it. i will forever have to hold in my feelings. lovely.

oh how peculiar.

i find it so strange and bizarre that i've already found out my room mates for next year. they are both very nice. i feel ... so ahead of the game i guess. some people still aren't even sure about where they want to go and yet i have a dorm and people to share it with. i have my definite major and i even know what i want to do after i get my bachelors. it's just so weird to me! ughh! do i really even want to graduate and leave these people that i love? i mean of course i want to go out into the world and meet others and stuff, but sometimes i wish i was in elementary school again. without a care in the world. playing in the grass and learning my abc's. i feel like things were just so simple then. things got crazier with age and i dont really know how much i like it. obviously there are some perks to being older but still i wonder just how i'm going to cope leaving my family, my best friends, my church, my boyfriend, everything i've known. i mean i can always come home. i won't be that far away, but still. how weird is it going to be to have to wake up in a completely different place every single day. i just... i don't know... i don't know how i feel about leaving everything. leaving everyone. i'll have kathryn which will be helpful, but i mean she's going to have her own life, and what if i don't. what if i can't make friends or people don't like my personality or the way i look? what if i get there and my room mates don't even like me?! ugh i really need to think on this because i'm really freakin stressed.

bahh.

music

i would have never made it through this week without music. or anything at all to have distracted me from the situation and the thoughts and the sadness.

i don't know what i would do without it.


.. i'm still afraid to look at my camera. i don't want to get upset from the pictures already on there, but i also want to edit some of them into one large portrait in her memory.. ugh. sadness. :(

remember the name

remember the name - fort minor

great song. underlying message maybe?

"ten percent luck.
twenty percent skill.
fifteen percent concentrated power of will.

five percent pleasure.
fifty percent pain.
and a hundred percent reason to remember the name."

i was listening to this song earlier (love fort minor ps.) and i was just thinking about the lyrics of the chorus. like what does that say about what they were thinking when they wrote the song?

i think it's apparent that they want to leave their mark on the world. i would say they are probably trying to leave an imprint through their music and while i was thinking about these things i was wondering what i'm leaving in my life?

how does my life look to those that don't know me? what am i good at? how do i know that what i'm working for and what i've been working for for seven years is really what i'm supposed to be doing?!

.anxiety.

finally i had to stop thinking so much. and then it hit me. maybe these aren't the things that are already supposed to be done in my life. i can't leave a mark in music like mozart of brittney spears and i'm not going to pretend i'm going to cure cancer. but by the end of my life or maybe even by the time i achieve my goals i want to be able to say that i worked hard for what i got and i was blessed. that's what i want my life to be built on. hard work and great things. i'm not going to just sit back and let things go anymore. i'm going to strive for excellence.

i didn't really work hard in school until this year. i'm not gonna lie. i just did what i did to get by and i've found myself studying this year. legitimately studying for things that i normally wouldn't have. strife. promises. love.

Maury Povich

you may be well aware of what i do everyday when i get home from school. just in case you have no clue what i'm talking about i'll fill you in.

everyday when i get home i watch the maury show. it comes on at 4pm on channel 11 on weekdays. yes. that is my relaxation time. watching people yelling about who they baby daddy be and what not. i'm not ashamed. anyways, today i happened to be looking up maury povich and what not and did you know that someone wrote a song about him?!

it's called maury povich and it's by this chick syleena johnson. i was SUPER excited to find it! hahahhaa i'm such a loser! anways go on youtube and look it up. i would post the link but i'm on my school laptop so i can't go on youtube.


anyways, you know what else i found when i was looking up maury povich. part of his show is on failblog. you would think that it would be for like a woman claiming one person to be a father and then it turns out that he's not, but really it's TOTALLY not!
if you go on youtube and type in Maury: Honeymoon Sex Fail you can see it. i think the real fail of it is in the last like quarter of it just in case you aren't into redneck drama like i am :))

so yeah. haha i feel so stupid that i like this show. i'm sure no one else cares about it at all. but whatever. i'll still come home everyday and kick back with my feet up, edemame in on hand, crossword puzzle in the other, and be tuned onto channel 11 for my main man maury.

:)) you know you love it

Choas

i feel bad for the families that suffered their loses this weekend. i think back and realize just how lucky i am. i thank God that i got help. those kids.. they could have been me. it's so weird to think about now. it's hard to believe that around this time about five years ago i was those kids. i know what they feel and that's why i think i feel so bad for them. they were lost. i was lost. they felt pain and resentment as did i. nothing seemed to be worth living for but now everything in my life is a spectrum of colors. i love where i am. my family. my friends. i know that if those kids had just talked to someone and gotten the help they needed they could have loved their lives too. they were definately upset and disheartened and it kills me. how many other people that i know feel that way? not everyone shows that they are feeling these things on their sleeves. how do you figure that out? how can i get those people to open up to me?

another thing that's crazy are the earthquakes in chile. those poor people. i pray that they will find all those that are missing and i pray that there will be peace and comfort to the friends and families of those who lost their lives. now all we can do is hope and pray that alejandro is fine and that everyone will be found.

it feels like everything is just zooming by me.


i've found two new hobbies though :)

1. i've found myself constantly looking up many differnt pictures of random abstact makeup and brides showing their colorful shoes under their dresses lately :)) i don't know why but i feel like i've been inspired so much and thus i've been doing much more in my sketchbook lately it's weird.


that one's my favorite :))

things seem to be getting so crazy around here.


2. i've been working extensively with photoshop on my school laptop. i don't know why but i love taking something that is one thing and altering it completely so that there is a new focal point. it just intreges me so :)

Senioritis Syndrom

i wanna graduate!! bahhh i'm sick of school!!



i'm so stoked for this weekend!!

friday: samantha's birthday party
saturday: dateless dance and then we're going to see the crazies
sunday: church and then youth choir


you can not tell me that movie does not look amazing!!




so i'm a little torn and worried though. i have to tell a friend about this guy that she's into and how he's also into another girl. the hard part is that i had to do the same thing last year with her and a different guy. ughh. i don't want to hurt her but at the same time i know that if i don't tell her then she's going to get led on it'll be harder later. it just sucks. bahhh!!

disappointed disposition. hopeful heart.

i can not help the fact that i was excited for school today. i couldn't wait to get out of the house and get back on a normal schedule. got up. stared getting my guidette on for jersey shore day at school today (spirit week). then at 730a we get a call "no school". darn it. i was so excited for school. i want to be out of this house! all i have to do here is work on scholarships (pretty important) and watch carlton play call of duty. bah.

i'm excited though. i can not wait to get away for retreat. i need a break from everything. i'll be away from this house and my family to clear my head. i possibly won't talk to carlton the whole weekend hahaha. it's a shame that it's only a weekend. what if it was like a week. that would be sick. here nor there i'm excited for two things on this retreat:
1. the 3oh!3 sermon :)
2. fun memories




spent. how else can i please you? oh wait... i can't...

snow perks?

i hate this snow but it does have some perks...




i get to wear super cute slippers on my phalanges :)

i'm going stir crazy but sleeping till 3pm is also nice...

other than that i don't really know what else i like about snow...

i just can't wait for summer... or at least a job so that i can have something else to do... ughh...