Forgotten during the show and again for senior night. Slighted. Story of my life. I'm so ready to be done with this.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
the days..
the days are like running together. oh i'm so done with school. 14 more days and i'm out of there. thank goodness. you know what? i'm starting to feel more in place at school then i am at church. i can honestly say that i don't know how much i'm gonna miss certain aspects of our youth group. the clichiness, the favoritism, the change. i mean some people might see me as "out of line" but i mean i don't know. i just kinda feel like i've been pushed to the side. the whole year i've offered to do whatever i could to help and everytime i've just been kinda pushed to the back burner. i mean gcn. youth show. wednesday nights. i mean how is it that when i ask to like talk about the holding hope initiative at youth group i'm turned down and told that an email will be sent out but when someone else asks they are like practically begged to do it? i don't understand. i'm just ready to be done with it. i'm not gonna lie. i've come to the realization that i'm just not "seek" material, and if i am and this is what a seek person should feel like then i want no part of it. gosh i always feel like i'm such a deby downer on this thing, but i'm just saying. it's not really anyone's fault i don't guess. i'm easy to forget about. i'm just so ready to move on. i don't know how much more i'm gonna put myself through. i'm just tired of the crappy feelings that i go through. i mean i've only been in our youth group since what? seventh grade or so? growing up and seeing/perceiving how one class was treated and like how we feared and revered that class and then coming to now and having none of those same qualities. i don't know. it's not so much that i guess, it's mostly that i just feel .... forgotten. yeah yeah whatever, it was the topic of the show. i tried to like apply that message to my life, but like i just feel like my forgotten feelings are being reinforced by some of the choices that go on. it's whatever. i just need to get over it. i'll shut up about that now. kinda crappy way to start a post i suppose.
anyways.
so i'm getting back into the old habit of picking up red jumpsuit, all time low, the maine, and all those other bands i used to listen to. haha.
dude, can i just say. something is defintely wrong. okay so i can't get to sleep at night, i'm not sleeping the whole night through, i'm not getting like restful sleep, i've been having awful headaches, constant fatigue, constant nausea, and my back is killing me lately. ughh fml. i need these friggin blood tests to come back so i can know where my th levels are cause like if they're messed up then the whole hypothyroidism thing is kickin arse or if it's the siliac sprue. i just need to know. i want to feel better dog gone it. hahaha
omgsh lifeguarding inservice this weekend. shoot me. i'm soooooooooo out of shape and i do not wanna have to go and do that. ughhhh imma need a miracle for this sunday.
bah.
imma leave ya with some beautiful sounds. just listen, there's words after the guitar silly people.
anyways.
so i'm getting back into the old habit of picking up red jumpsuit, all time low, the maine, and all those other bands i used to listen to. haha.
dude, can i just say. something is defintely wrong. okay so i can't get to sleep at night, i'm not sleeping the whole night through, i'm not getting like restful sleep, i've been having awful headaches, constant fatigue, constant nausea, and my back is killing me lately. ughh fml. i need these friggin blood tests to come back so i can know where my th levels are cause like if they're messed up then the whole hypothyroidism thing is kickin arse or if it's the siliac sprue. i just need to know. i want to feel better dog gone it. hahaha
omgsh lifeguarding inservice this weekend. shoot me. i'm soooooooooo out of shape and i do not wanna have to go and do that. ughhhh imma need a miracle for this sunday.
bah.
imma leave ya with some beautiful sounds. just listen, there's words after the guitar silly people.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
goodness :)
i've been in such a good mood lately :) i don't remember the last time i felt so happy and like good to be honest. I was in such a bummer place but now it's like ... sunshine :) hahahahaha
speaking of making me happy, this is DEFINATELY my favorite commerical EVER!!
SOOOO great :)))
anyways, i'm stoked for tommrow, i'm abducting stephanie! woot woot! she has nnnoooo clue what's going on which makes me sooo happy :)) ughhhh she's thinkin it has everything to do with other people and wow i'm just soo excited! for once i'm gonna be able to do something right i feel like and it makes me so happy because she deserves something special ya know? man that girl. favss.
anyways, saturday i'm supposed to go the beaach with my family for like a one night two day trip. i feel like it's going to be a fail since they didn't book a hotel or anything and since it's supposed to rain all weekend down there. darn it.
i was thinking earlier about molly. i had another nightmare about the whole ordeal last night. it's basically always what really happened ya know? me taking pictures from the tree in my side yard and then decide to go over to the dog pen and get some pictures. LC comes out instantly panting and jumping around, but molly takes a bit longer than usual. i mean she was eighteen, older than me i think. and she had this fatty tumor, i mean this thing was big, bigger than my head. and it was on her right hip. and it's always me going back over there and her slowly coming out of the dog house with me calling her. i don't see it at first because i'm looking at her left side, but then i enter the pen and she about falls down on her right side, leaving the left side of her body exposed. that's when i notice that her tumor has ruptured and she's split open. i'll never forget that moment. i can't. it's burnt in my brain. it's hard when i think about it in my subconscious though. like you want to sleep to get away from those things, but some things you just can't. i know she's better off now, but .. i don't know. i'm being selfish and i'm sorry. this isn't something that i can just stop ya know? i surely wish i could. that would be wonderful. i know the day will come when i won't think about it and hopefully the nightmares will stop. that time just needs to come sooner. i look at LC now. small, innocent. she misses mollt. that was her buddy. the one she grew up with. they played together all the time even though molly was that old. like seriously molly was still playing fetch and everything. and i look at LC and i can't help but think of molly and what they would have been doing around whatever time of day it is and wondering what they would have been doing together if she were still around. i miss her. life goes on. but i'll never forget that dog. that sounds so lame, but like as cliche as it is she was my family. i loved her very much.
didn't mean to go on a sadd little tangent there, like i said i just looked at LC and thought about that stuff. anyways. imma go to bed. i love you guys!! :))
speaking of making me happy, this is DEFINATELY my favorite commerical EVER!!
SOOOO great :)))
anyways, i'm stoked for tommrow, i'm abducting stephanie! woot woot! she has nnnoooo clue what's going on which makes me sooo happy :)) ughhhh she's thinkin it has everything to do with other people and wow i'm just soo excited! for once i'm gonna be able to do something right i feel like and it makes me so happy because she deserves something special ya know? man that girl. favss.
anyways, saturday i'm supposed to go the beaach with my family for like a one night two day trip. i feel like it's going to be a fail since they didn't book a hotel or anything and since it's supposed to rain all weekend down there. darn it.
i was thinking earlier about molly. i had another nightmare about the whole ordeal last night. it's basically always what really happened ya know? me taking pictures from the tree in my side yard and then decide to go over to the dog pen and get some pictures. LC comes out instantly panting and jumping around, but molly takes a bit longer than usual. i mean she was eighteen, older than me i think. and she had this fatty tumor, i mean this thing was big, bigger than my head. and it was on her right hip. and it's always me going back over there and her slowly coming out of the dog house with me calling her. i don't see it at first because i'm looking at her left side, but then i enter the pen and she about falls down on her right side, leaving the left side of her body exposed. that's when i notice that her tumor has ruptured and she's split open. i'll never forget that moment. i can't. it's burnt in my brain. it's hard when i think about it in my subconscious though. like you want to sleep to get away from those things, but some things you just can't. i know she's better off now, but .. i don't know. i'm being selfish and i'm sorry. this isn't something that i can just stop ya know? i surely wish i could. that would be wonderful. i know the day will come when i won't think about it and hopefully the nightmares will stop. that time just needs to come sooner. i look at LC now. small, innocent. she misses mollt. that was her buddy. the one she grew up with. they played together all the time even though molly was that old. like seriously molly was still playing fetch and everything. and i look at LC and i can't help but think of molly and what they would have been doing around whatever time of day it is and wondering what they would have been doing together if she were still around. i miss her. life goes on. but i'll never forget that dog. that sounds so lame, but like as cliche as it is she was my family. i loved her very much.
didn't mean to go on a sadd little tangent there, like i said i just looked at LC and thought about that stuff. anyways. imma go to bed. i love you guys!! :))
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