ahhh

so my past view days have been AMAZING :) (until just now ughh)

thursday i won the hold hope scholarship which was great :) i was soo stoked and had non idea that i would get that :) so that was good, i also won the marketing student of the year award which was another plus for me :)

ummm friday was a great day too and whatever, ummmm i finished my clay project which was nice. i think that was the night that everyone came over and hung out at my house. i think.

ummmmm. saturday night i hung with a bunch of people but what sticks out most in my mind was when me steph kim julie and eric went to mcdonalds at like 11 and were talking about stunky unicorns and multiple other loud and oboxious things :)

today steph and i had a lovely afternoon of painting, spice girls, and silliness. i love that girl!! :)

then steph left and my mother jumped down my throat about cleaning and stuff which just makes me feel lovely. i don't help enough. i'm selfish. i don't do enough to help out. great. thanks for boosting the old self esteem mom. so now i'm grounded from going out to el chaps tonight. cool. stuck in the house all day and night. awesome. on the upside i'm close to being done with my second project. i hate it though. i honestly think it looks like crap but whatever.

i'll update more when i get home, hell i'll have enough time to.

bitter sweet conclusions

omgsh we're soo close to the end of the school year! i have two more days of school left and then i'm done with high school!! it's sooo weird! i feel like i just started high school yesterday! it's so weird. i won't be here next year. ugghhh soo weird. hahahahaha

anyways, today was perty good, except i realized that my piece for the art auction is due on sunday! wow that was quick! i'm gonna have a lot to do this week. wowzo. so far i just have kim's makeup pictures redone, now i have to grid them, grid the paper, draw the pictures, and then paint. ughh hopefully it will look alright. i've become very critical of like everything i make.





on top of this little project i would just like to say that my art teacher thinks it's possible for me to create a whole relief tile in two days. yeah i'm just tellin you that's not gonna happen. i have the blue print ready for it, but i just got the clay at the end of today's class so like idk what she's thinkin, but this is supposed to be a quiz grade so like i don't know what's gonna happen with that.

ummm ps can i just say that i have done something to my right hand/wrist. i have no clue what, but it's slightly discolored, swollen, and hurts like hell. ughh.

i've been reading every young woman's battle and doing the work book. i'm legit loving it. i'm not gonna lie, i hadn't really been doing my whole like Christian thing for a while (for a good portion of my senior year to be honest) but like i got back into it and i just feel really great. i'm excited and i really really like this book.

ughh so i'm a little nervous about leaving next year. i mean it'll be comforting knowing that i'm not gonna be the only one that's leaving, like steph, kim, kat, jules, errybody is leaving. i'm gonna miss my parents so much dude! like i know i get annoyed and mad at them, but omgsh i know i'm gonna have a hard time with that. and can i just say that going into a relationship with alex i told myself i wasn't going to get too close because i didn't want to have to have the saddness of being away from him too, but that's unavoidable now. i don't know what i'm gonna do without seeing him like every other day. it's gonna be so weird. ughh. making yourself vulnerable is such a scary thing. i mean i really like alex. honestly i do, and like previous relationships haven't gone as well as ours, which is why i thought it would be easier to like not grow so attached. this probably makes no sense at all so i'm gonna stop. bahhhh. it'll be our 8 month of dating in 37 minutes. craziness.

i have the awards ceremony tomorrow night. i know i'm definately getting the marketing student of the year award (i don't really care about that hahahahhahaa i mean i do but it's not a scholarship) and i'm not getting my hopes up, but i'm really hoping that all that hard work at the beginning of the year is going to pay off and get me a scholarship, i applied to 59 for goodness sakes, so i really sure hope so. hahahahahaha. i'll keep you updated on that dude.

finally, i'm stoked for the weekend. friday i have kristina's party that me and kat are gonna stop by and then we're going to david's birthday party! saturday morning my family and i are doing the whole like selling thing at some little market thing downtown that apparently all the little mexis love and buy erreeything. then saturday night i have mr. dsf and i'm stoked for that. i also have a graduation party, but i can't remember whose. hahahahahaha. sunday i have carleigh and gillie/hope/lacen's grad party. those are back to back so that'll be fun too :) and then monday i get to sleep in!! woot woooot!!


i love you braaahhh!! :))

Yet again

Forgotten during the show and again for senior night. Slighted. Story of my life. I'm so ready to be done with this.

the days..

the days are like running together. oh i'm so done with school. 14 more days and i'm out of there. thank goodness. you know what? i'm starting to feel more in place at school then i am at church. i can honestly say that i don't know how much i'm gonna miss certain aspects of our youth group. the clichiness, the favoritism, the change. i mean some people might see me as "out of line" but i mean i don't know. i just kinda feel like i've been pushed to the side. the whole year i've offered to do whatever i could to help and everytime i've just been kinda pushed to the back burner. i mean gcn. youth show. wednesday nights. i mean how is it that when i ask to like talk about the holding hope initiative at youth group i'm turned down and told that an email will be sent out but when someone else asks they are like practically begged to do it? i don't understand. i'm just ready to be done with it. i'm not gonna lie. i've come to the realization that i'm just not "seek" material, and if i am and this is what a seek person should feel like then i want no part of it. gosh i always feel like i'm such a deby downer on this thing, but i'm just saying. it's not really anyone's fault i don't guess. i'm easy to forget about. i'm just so ready to move on. i don't know how much more i'm gonna put myself through. i'm just tired of the crappy feelings that i go through. i mean i've only been in our youth group since what? seventh grade or so? growing up and seeing/perceiving how one class was treated and like how we feared and revered that class and then coming to now and having none of those same qualities. i don't know. it's not so much that i guess, it's mostly that i just feel .... forgotten. yeah yeah whatever, it was the topic of the show. i tried to like apply that message to my life, but like i just feel like my forgotten feelings are being reinforced by some of the choices that go on. it's whatever. i just need to get over it. i'll shut up about that now. kinda crappy way to start a post i suppose.

anyways.

so i'm getting back into the old habit of picking up red jumpsuit, all time low, the maine, and all those other bands i used to listen to. haha.

dude, can i just say. something is defintely wrong. okay so i can't get to sleep at night, i'm not sleeping the whole night through, i'm not getting like restful sleep, i've been having awful headaches, constant fatigue, constant nausea, and my back is killing me lately. ughh fml. i need these friggin blood tests to come back so i can know where my th levels are cause like if they're messed up then the whole hypothyroidism thing is kickin arse or if it's the siliac sprue. i just need to know. i want to feel better dog gone it. hahaha

omgsh lifeguarding inservice this weekend. shoot me. i'm soooooooooo out of shape and i do not wanna have to go and do that. ughhhh imma need a miracle for this sunday.

bah.



imma leave ya with some beautiful sounds. just listen, there's words after the guitar silly people.

goodness :)

i've been in such a good mood lately :) i don't remember the last time i felt so happy and like good to be honest. I was in such a bummer place but now it's like ... sunshine :) hahahahaha

speaking of making me happy, this is DEFINATELY my favorite commerical EVER!!








SOOOO great :)))

anyways, i'm stoked for tommrow, i'm abducting stephanie! woot woot! she has nnnoooo clue what's going on which makes me sooo happy :)) ughhhh she's thinkin it has everything to do with other people and wow i'm just soo excited! for once i'm gonna be able to do something right i feel like and it makes me so happy because she deserves something special ya know? man that girl. favss.

anyways, saturday i'm supposed to go the beaach with my family for like a one night two day trip. i feel like it's going to be a fail since they didn't book a hotel or anything and since it's supposed to rain all weekend down there. darn it.

i was thinking earlier about molly. i had another nightmare about the whole ordeal last night. it's basically always what really happened ya know? me taking pictures from the tree in my side yard and then decide to go over to the dog pen and get some pictures. LC comes out instantly panting and jumping around, but molly takes a bit longer than usual. i mean she was eighteen, older than me i think. and she had this fatty tumor, i mean this thing was big, bigger than my head. and it was on her right hip. and it's always me going back over there and her slowly coming out of the dog house with me calling her. i don't see it at first because i'm looking at her left side, but then i enter the pen and she about falls down on her right side, leaving the left side of her body exposed. that's when i notice that her tumor has ruptured and she's split open. i'll never forget that moment. i can't. it's burnt in my brain. it's hard when i think about it in my subconscious though. like you want to sleep to get away from those things, but some things you just can't. i know she's better off now, but .. i don't know. i'm being selfish and i'm sorry. this isn't something that i can just stop ya know? i surely wish i could. that would be wonderful. i know the day will come when i won't think about it and hopefully the nightmares will stop. that time just needs to come sooner. i look at LC now. small, innocent. she misses mollt. that was her buddy. the one she grew up with. they played together all the time even though molly was that old. like seriously molly was still playing fetch and everything. and i look at LC and i can't help but think of molly and what they would have been doing around whatever time of day it is and wondering what they would have been doing together if she were still around. i miss her. life goes on. but i'll never forget that dog. that sounds so lame, but like as cliche as it is she was my family. i loved her very much.

didn't mean to go on a sadd little tangent there, like i said i just looked at LC and thought about that stuff. anyways. imma go to bed. i love you guys!! :))

Frustration to suffering

frustration runs through my blood. from my toes up my spine and exploding out of my mouth like vomit. no one sees. no one cares. no one hears. does it even matter? i dont even know. yeah God might know who i am but no one im with daily knows. i mean what am I worth? what can i offer? nothing. what do i do? nothing. it's all i'll ever do.

ugh. i'm not suicidal or anything i'm just bummed and no one gets it or my thoughts annoy them and i'm sick of it. i will forever have to hold in my feelings. lovely.

oh how peculiar.

i find it so strange and bizarre that i've already found out my room mates for next year. they are both very nice. i feel ... so ahead of the game i guess. some people still aren't even sure about where they want to go and yet i have a dorm and people to share it with. i have my definite major and i even know what i want to do after i get my bachelors. it's just so weird to me! ughh! do i really even want to graduate and leave these people that i love? i mean of course i want to go out into the world and meet others and stuff, but sometimes i wish i was in elementary school again. without a care in the world. playing in the grass and learning my abc's. i feel like things were just so simple then. things got crazier with age and i dont really know how much i like it. obviously there are some perks to being older but still i wonder just how i'm going to cope leaving my family, my best friends, my church, my boyfriend, everything i've known. i mean i can always come home. i won't be that far away, but still. how weird is it going to be to have to wake up in a completely different place every single day. i just... i don't know... i don't know how i feel about leaving everything. leaving everyone. i'll have kathryn which will be helpful, but i mean she's going to have her own life, and what if i don't. what if i can't make friends or people don't like my personality or the way i look? what if i get there and my room mates don't even like me?! ugh i really need to think on this because i'm really freakin stressed.

bahh.